Description: A russian blue with darker blue raindrop-like shapes.White underbelly, nech, and undertail.Bright green eyes.
History:A long time ago, she was born to a russian. blue.and a savanna.She lived alone for a while with her best friend, Bow.Then, they were both chosen to go to a home.On the first night, Bow was killed by a pitbull, and rain was so sad, she ran away.She ran until some strange cats gave her a scar on her right ear, and chasing her away.Now, she lives in the forest next to the clan cats, frequently stealing herbs from their territory.
Shypool is a shy cat, as you can tell.She is akwerd and usually makes a mess of things.The only thing she does good is healing.When she thought her destiny law with blood, claws, and teeth, she couldn't help noticing the helpless cats, and found her destiny lay in the medicine den.
Post by Aurora Eclipse on Dec 25, 2013 12:44:40 GMT -5
This might seem a little bit mean to you, and I'm sorry, I'm giving it my professional review.
Ok, I can read it, and I get what you're saying, but we need a little bit more detail. These are choppy sentences with periods appearing randomly where they shouldn't be. Why was she living alone? Where did Rain run to? Where were they living before? How did the strange cats and her get into a fight? When during this fight did she get a scar? What has all this got to do with wanting revenge on the clan cats and attacking them? There are a lot of questions I have about her history, as you can see, that I would like to be answered. For a form that is supposed to be rather detailed, this is somewhat abrupt.
Now, for Rain's description. Ok, first of all, where are the raindrop shapes? It's not exactly typical for a cat to have a raindrop pattern on her fur. It's probably not even possible. Is there one on her forehead? Her paw? On her spine? Also, does she have any other patterns? Stripes? Spots? Or is she just a plain russian blue cat.
Personality! First of all, if she is kind and sensitive, she wouldn't be attacking the clans. Unless, of course, she has something happen to her and this is just her first personality, like with Thistleface. (Although I don't think Sparta would appreciate you pulling something like that very much.) Plus, she would have to be more of an offensive cat if she's going to be attacking the clans. I need a bit more on that. Fortunately for you, I've run out of critiques, except to say that you still need to fix your grammar.
Keep in mind that I'm trying to help, not harm, before you go find me and kill me in my sleep for this. Thank you.